I know God feeds the sparrow; what about the salmon?

This is not a post that I wanted to write. It's intensely personal and, though I think I'm fairly open with people, it's hard to get this personal on a blog--which is ironic because isn't that, after all, the whole point of a blog? A vanity press to air your thoughts and feelings to a world that hasn't asked you.

It's also not a post I wanted to write because it's about both faith and money. The only two topics I know of that are guaranteed to upset people. And I hate upsetting people.

So here we go: faith and money.

A little over one year ago, I was notified that my job position would be ending Dec. 31, 2009 and my husband was notified that his salary was going to be immediately and "temporarily" reduced by 15%. That was an emotional time. I'd just graduated from graduate school, my husband had accepted what should have been an amazing job position, we'd moved all the way out to Southern California for said job position, I'd accepted my first "real" job, and as far as we could see, things were only going up. So of course, that was the perfect time for the hammer to fall.

About the same time all that drama was going on, our pastor preached a couple sermons about tithing. (Cue scary music.) I know most of you reading this don't tithe and a good number of you don't even share my faith, so I'm betting there's a lot of eye-rolling going on right about now. Anyway, Craig and I had been tithing consistently over the years but in the midst of this financial upheaval, these sermons on tithing convinced us that tithing on our net income was not technically "giving the firstfruits of our labor to the Lord," and because we wanted to be obedient, we decided to start tithing on our gross income. This resulted in a couple overdraft fees while we searched diligently for a cheaper apartment and other ways to save money. Eventually, we got beyond that point. We moved, cut our spending, and were able to tithe on our gross income without netting $35 overdraft fees every month.

Until recently, when my job officially ended. We got through January just fine because I had half a month's salary paid as part of my severance package. But then we found ourselves looking at the budget for the coming months and, lo and behold, each month from now until April (the date Craig is rumored to be getting his full salary back) carries a deficit equal to what was once roughly half a month's income for me. Ugh. The same day we realized we had these looming deficits in our monthly future, we attended a financial seminar at our church. This seminar outlined God's perspective on finances as revealed in the Bible and gave steps on how to achieve debt-free living. The speaker ended on a call to tithe (because, after all, tithing is irrefutably part of God's financial plan as outlined in the Bible).

Well, this is where I got rebellious. As the speaker tried to convince us that God meets our needs when we tithe by sharing tales of unexpected financial blessing accompanying tithing, I became very, very bitter. Where was our financial blessing? I'd tithed the entirety of my adult life. Why wasn't I being blessed? What was the deal with those overdraft fees I'd been "rewarded" with after tithing? Craig and I determined to stop tithing.

And then I was terribly convicted. I can get religious here and say "and then God told me..." or I could be secular and say "and then I realized..."

Either way: the thought came to me, "How dare I throw a tantrum and willfully disobey GOD because of a perceived lack of financial blessing? I have been given rich spiritual blessings! I have been blessed with parents who pray over me every day and who introduced me to Christ. I have the security of eternal life in heaven. I have a husband who seeks God's will in all things. I have friends who encourage me and love me. And above all, I have the blessing of being obedient to God and living under His protection and in relationship with the creator of the universe! How dare I demand something as temporary and unfulfilling as money in light of all that? My tithe money goes to feed and clothe people living in shacks, motels, and the streets of Skid Row! My tithe money goes to sending preachers and missionaries into the world to save people from bondage, to provide education, medical supplies, and ways of escape from prostitution. My tithe money is storing up heavenly riches and I'm willing to piss it all away because I might have to sell my Jeep or move from an apartment costing $1500/month to one costing $1000/month. How bratty of me!"

So I talked to Craig, and apparently God had been working on him in a similar fashion. We agreed to tithe. Not just on the net but on the gross, and not just on his income but on my very tiny unemployment checks and freelance jobs. Of course, a wrinkle in our plan emerged just as we were drifting off to sleep: in our attempt to cut costs we hadn't ordered new checks yet and had no check on which to write our tithe. Which only meant that we woke up earlier than usual so that we would have time to drive to our bank's ATM and withdraw the tithe amount in cash. Somehow that whole process made the act of tithing much more sacrificial and deliberate.

Well, just because we had the conviction and the cold hard cash in hand doesn't mean it was all roses. I wept during worship leading up to the "Tithe and Offering" portion of service. And I wept some more listening to our pastor preach afterward. I prayed, "Dear God, I know you're here and watching over me, but I need some real, tangible proof right about now. I don't need money; I just need assurance. Surely you can do that." Guess what? He did. After the service, an acquaintance came over and said God had been laying us on her heart all morning and she wanted to pray over us and let us know that God was in control. And this acquaintance had no idea what we've been struggling with. So of course, I cried again.

And now, even though we're faced with the same deficits and the same tough choices regarding our rent and our possessions, I don't feel the same. I feel calm like I haven't in a long time.

As far as unexpected finances go, we did get my first unemployment check sooner than anticipated and it did include an amount $20 higher than anticipated. Craig chooses to look at that as a financial reward; I'm more skeptical. But $20 is $20 and God is God and even if we have to sell all we own and move into a cramped studio somewhere (sticking our baby in a closet, I suppose), we'll still be alive and we'll still be together and we'll still be walking in faith with our Lord. And that's all that really matters at the end of the day.

PS: You don't have to be "religious" to see the benefits of tithing, so stop rolling your eyes now! Even atheists can "tithe;" just read Oprah's take on it!